Figuring things out

It's been three weeks since I left Toronto. I feel like when I left Toronto, I left a huge part of me there. My summer there was the most eye-opening experience I've ever had and it truly made me re-evaluate myself. For the first time in my life thus far, I felt like I truly belonged and I felt like I knew what I wanted in my life. The thirteen weeks I was there, I completely reinvented myself and changed, in my opinion, for the better.

The biggest struggle I'm dealing with since moving back, is the loss I feel. I feel like everything I had finally pieced together has fallen apart... and the puzzle pieces I need are back in Toronto. I feel like I've hit a wall and I'm not really sure how to bulldoze it over. Doing my Bachelor of Education is what I wanted, right? Then why do I feel like being here and doing it is a huge step backwards? I need to figure out a way to feel like myself again... the new me...

I miss feeling free, walking through the busy streets with unfamiliar faces. I miss doings things that I've never gotten to do before with people who I never thought I'd be friends with. I miss sailing through Lake Ontario, feeling the rush of the cold breeze hit my face. I miss getting lost on the Toronto Islands, way past the closing time of the ferries, and feeling scared yet completely excited at the possibility of being stranded there. I miss going to Madison's and getting trashed with my best friends... and having to wait for someone who forget their ID - even though I reminded everyone to make sure they had it.

Maybe it's the friends I miss more than Toronto itself. Maybe it was them who helped me realize myself. It was witnessing their care-free attitude and ambition that made me crave to feel like way they do about life. My friends do see me as having ambition and a care-free attitude, but this past summer was the first time I saw myself that way.

I'm remembering the fear I felt when I first got on the airplane - the fear I felt when I had the whole summer ahead of me. I was terrified that I wouldn't meet friends, that it would be a treacherous experience and the worst summer of my life. That was the best part... realizing how oblivious I was to how amazing the risk I was taking would turn out to be.

I think, I need to realize this about my life ahead of me. It's unknown - just like my summer was. Maybe I just have to let it fall into place... and it will be amazing.

Wake up call

Most people, anxious to move from their parents' humble abode and into their own complex, are completely oblivious to the complexities of it all. Think of your life right now if you're still living at home. Your fridge is always full. You can just go grab whatever you want whenever you want. You don't have to worry about having to go get groceries or being able to afford them. You can use the telephone whenever you want - not having to worry about running up the phone bill. You probably leave the bathroom light on without thinking. You probably don't worry about turning off the television when you leave to go eat. I imagine that you just crank up the heat when you're cold in the winter time.

All of these luxuries (yes, trust me... they are luxeries) will fade when you're on your own. One day, it's like the carpet will be yanked from underneath you and you'll see how quickly the scenery changes on the fall down.

You'll have to balance the cost of tuition, books, rent, electricity, phone, cable, internet, and groceries. Note other luxuries not listed above (alcohol, shopping money, money for things like shampoo and toilet paper). You may think it will be a breeze and that you're up for the challenge... but boy, oh boy, you are in for a treat! Perhaps your parents still plan on paying for everything while you're living on your own - but that won't last.

You will quickly develop OCD, making sure all of the lights are turned off (even when you leave the room for a second). You will resort to a sweater (or two or three sweaters) in the wintertime instead of turning up the heat. You will probably even resort to lighting candles for warmth (or at least you should.) As great as living on your own is, it still sucks. Responsibility sure seems like a luxury from the outside, but on the inside it's just a ball of stress that vomits all over you every month when you receive your multiple bills.

Once upon a time, your cell phone was equipped with voice mail, caller ID, unlimited texting and web browsing. As soon as you acknowledge your lack of money, you'll be downgrading your cell phone plan so you can have the extra forty dollars a month to buy food.

Advice? Keep track of it all. There's nothing worse than getting paid and then wondering where the hell all of your earnings went. Buy a notebook and keep track of how your money is divided and how much goes towards what. You will learn to budget and you will also learn how to fight the temptation to buy the new leather boots in the store window when you realize you'd rather not starve. Before you buy something, ask yourself... "Do I need this? Or do I just want it?" There's nothing wrong with treating yourself to a meal out or a night of social drinking every once and a while. But there's a huge problem if you're going out boozing every weekend and you're getting harassed by your landlord to pay the remainder of your apartment rent.

Keep your priorities straight folks! And remember to budget!

Happy living!

A precious memory

Leaving Toronto was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I was in my room, listening to music, when my Irish friends piled into my doorway. Tears clogged my eyes when they handed me over an Irish flag penned up with messages that they each had written out to me. It warmed my heart to see that my friendship meant a lot to them and that they were going to miss me.

This summer was one of the best summers I've ever had and I'm so glad that I decided to go. Saying goodbye to each of my friends from all over the world was harder than I could've imagined. It's seldom that many people can say they spent their summer becoming friends with people from France, Ireland, America, England, Holland and Austria. We were a close-knit group who loved spending time together. So, as devestated as I was that I couldn't go to camp this summer... I'm doubtful that I would've had a better time there. For years, my summers at camp were as good as it got - I couldn't imagine anything better... until now. I'm not sure if I'll ever have a summer as memorable as my summer of 2010.

I thought a part of me would be happy to fly back to Cape Breton. I thought for sure that I would feel right at home driving through the streets of my hometown, right by the ocean. But all I can think of is how much I miss the glowing city of Toronto at night time... and all of my friends that I left behind there. The saddest part of it all is that I know if ever I return to Toronto, it would never be the same. The huge part of why my summer was so unbelievable was because of the people whom I met and spent time with.

So, when I was leaving Toronto... I recognized that it would probably be the last time I would ever have a summer like this. I recognized that a lot of these friends that I've made, I'll probably never see again. It's terribly sad to recognize that my summer of 2010 is just a precious memory that only exists in my mind. It's a memory I'll forever long to escape back into...

Jersey Boys

When I was a child and would see a movie in the cinema that I really loved, I would quickly become obsessed with it. The whole time watching the movie, I would be anxious to hurry up and get home so I could draw pictures of my favourite scenes. I would become obsessed with listening to the soundtrack, learning the lyrics of every song and reciting them even without the help of the background music. I would buy the latest J14 or Bop magazine with pictures of the lead actors and actresses, posting them all over my walls.

This was my personality for a lot of things that I grew passionate about. I haven't experienced this sort of love for something in a long time. Maybe because it's easier to achieve this sort of feeling about something you love when you're a child.

That is... until I saw Toronto's broadway musical number, Jersey Boys. The first time I saw it, I was absolutely blown away. It was brilliant in every way; I hadn't felt this good watching something in a long time. I connected to each of the actors and fell in love with them. I was dancing and singing along to every version of The Four Seasons' songs. I couldn't stop thinking about the show and how great it made me feel; So, I made my boyfriend tag along with me to see it again two months later. I loved it even more the second time. I've downloaded the soundtrack, and every time I hear each song it brings me back to sitting in the broadway theatre and feeling, again, the feelings that shot through my whole body. It's a healthy obsession, really.

If ever I'm in a bad mood, I just have to listen to the songs and I'm instantly dancing. I contacted Jeff Madden, the actor who portrayed Franki Valli in the show, and told him I would be ecstatic if I could meet him and the boys, get a few pictures and autographs. It's pretty much exactly equivalent to my 12 year old self meeting the J14 poster boy. I was touched when Jeff responded almost instantly. It's so great when someone so talented and admired is humble and reaches out to their fans.

So, you only have a few more weeks to see Jersey Boys - so if you're in the Toronto area, you absolutely HAVE to see it! I promise you that you won't regret it.

Burst your bubble

Yesterday was a beautiful day and I found myself walking through High Park, feeling like I was 100km away from the city. The sun's rays were massaging my skin and I breathed in the saturated aroma of assorted flowers and a campfire nearby. I paused in my footsteps and realized I was feeling a bit nostalgic. For the first time since I'd arrived in Toronto, I was missing home. The only thing I was missing was the sound of crashing waves against the shore and the smell of sea salt.

Near the campfire, kids were singing and playing games and then it really dawned on me; it wasn't just home I was missing - it was camp. It's the first summer since I was nine years old that I'm not counting down the days to when I start packing to escape. It's the first summer in three years that I'm not spending my entire summer making bracelets, canoeing, singing campfire songs every night, and working with seven people who quickly become my best friends.

Camp is a memory I'll always escape back into triggered by the smell of sunscreen lotion, campfire, chicken noodle soup, pine trees, sea salt, and that musky smell your clothes get when they've been wet and lying on the floor for awhile.

Camp is a memory I'll always escape back into triggered by the sound of birds chirping much earlier before the sun rises, the laughter and chit-chatter of a crowded cafeteria room, the crick-crackling of a campfire burning, and the summer peeper's singing in the nighttime.

Initially, I thought I was completely comfortable with not going back to camp. I was ready to say goodbye and was confident that my last summer working there would be my last. But now, I find myself wanting to escape back into that place; I'm not just accidentally stumbling upon the smells and sounds, but I'm desperately seeking for them... hungry to tightly hold onto the happy memories that significantly shaped the person that I am.

It's because of camp that helped me realize the importance of holding onto your inner child. I realize life is too short to take seriously all the time and I take no shame in being reluctant to let go of that inner child. My friends here in Toronto laughed and asked if I was a child while I bought a few packages of Hubba Bubba chewing gum. We spent the following few hours roaring in laughter and snapping pictures as we blew bubbles as big as basketballs, watching and hoping that they'll burst all over the others' faces. I constantly tell them that "you're never too old to be a child again". As we grow older, we tend to mature and forget how easy it was to fall into the world of play. I remember the satisfaction I got as I child while I played with my barbie dolls and plush puppies. As we grow up and change, our interests and ideas of "fun" evolve and change. I'm not saying we should all haul out our old trunk of barbie dolls and other such toys, but I'm saying we should learn to embrace our inner child in different ways - in new and adaptive ways.

Do yourself a favour and go buy an outrageous flavour of Hubba Bubba bubble gum and chew away. They've changed the gum since we've been kids, you know?

Get Ready

I can't believe it's basically July already. All of you high school graduates must be excited to soon start the next chapter of your life! When I was in your shoes, I had the next ten years of my life planned and I was confident that I knew exactly how everything was going to play out. If you would've told me then that I would be in Toronto doing an artist residency now, I would've laughed really hard.

I think it's important when you're young to have many dreams and aspirations. You shouldn't be so close minded to options like I once was. I think when we're younger, we're a little stubborn and oblivious to the fact that what we want in life will change as the years go by because we, ourselves, inevitably change.

Four years ago, just after graduating from Glace Bay High School, I was in a relationship with a guy I had been dating throughout high school. I would've bet my life on us being together for the rest of our lives. He was my first love and it was evident that I didn't have a life outside of him... I was perfectly content with that. We were so in love that anything outside of our relationship didn't matter and I know, without a doubt, that I never would've gone anywhere without his side (including an artist residency in Toronto). We went to university together and our plan was to finish school, become teachers, get married, move to Antigonish and start a family.

That plan lasted a whole two years post-graduation before university acted as a barricade, tearing us apart. You will change more than you could anticipate in university and it will truly be self revolutionary. My first love and I grew up and grew apart, but it was probably the best thing that ever could've happened (at least this was the case for me, I'm not sure how he turned out because we've never talked since). I was devastated and crushed as all my dreams and plans were dramatically destroyed before my eyes. But it was when the pages of my pre-written book of life were erased that I truly became a writer. I held the pen and was in complete control. For years with my first love, I knew exactly who I was but now that he wasn't in the picture anymore I had to do some major soul searching and self re-evaluating. I had to find out who I was without him. It was during this period that I started doing things I never would've imagined doing if I were still with him - especially traveling (something I couldn't IMAGINE living life without doing now)

So, you're starting to pack up your life in preparation for the big move to university and I'm telling you... to let go of all your plans. I want you to fully embrace the change that you're about to go through and get ready to face dramatic hardships that will really shape who you are. I'm not saying to let go of your dreams and aspirations, I'm telling you to come to the realization that as you change, so will your dreams. So be prepared to be disappointed, but be prepared to learn and grow from those disappointments.

G20 Zoo

I couldn't believe the chaotic mess that Toronto was the past weekend during the G20 summit. I was on a leisurely stroll through Dundas Square when I accidentally walked into a riot. I actually witnessed the transition from humans to animals as I watched crowds of people throw bricks through store windows and spray paint protests over building walls. I was appalled to see how boisterous and disgusting people were acting. I'd never seen so many police in my life as hundreds lined the streets, equipped with face masks and protective shields. There were police men and women in buses, vans, trucks, bicycles, public transportation and on horses.

It felt like I was in the midst of a war while crowds of people trumped the streets. These streets that I normally walked where I once felt safe, I found myself swallowing lumps of nervousnesses while I kept my arms tucked close to my body. I was tripping over abandoned protest signs, clothes, shoes, garbage, and broken glass. I walked down Yonge Street where every second store's window was smashed. Stores and malls were on lockdown; Their shoppers pressed their hands against the store windows, mouths open in surprise and disgust while they watched the horrific event.

Remember the movie Jumanji? Remember when the animals took over the city and stampeded through the streets destroying everything? That's exactly what it felt like while I walked through the stampede of people.

So, maybe you're questioning my previous statement about witnessing humans transitioning into animals but perhaps this will clear it up if what I've said already hasn't. Above you see an elephant destroying a car, without remorse. And below you see what protestors had done - lit a police car on fire. What normal human beings would do this without remorse? -- only the ones corrupted with the instincts of an animal.