Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I dream a dream

I ordered my grad ring today... it's 10K white gold, size 7, has the Flying A symbol, BFA on one side, my graduating year on other, my initials "BMBM" to be engraved on the inside... and it's four hundred bucks.  $405.67 to be exact.  

But, it's something that I'm going to wear with pride for the rest of my life.  It's really sinking in that I'm graduating.  I'm so excited but so stressed at the same time.  I've spent the last few days weighing my options for next year and filling out applications for various schools.  It would be a lot easier if I knew what I wanted to do... but I really haven't the slightest clue.  If only this decision about life was as easy as it was when we were in preschool;  We always knew exactly what we wanted to be when we grew up as we excitedly scribbled it in pictures on construction paper with crayon.  It's funny because that's essentially what I do everyday... "scribble pictures on construction paper with crayon" but it still isn't clear.  I always wanted to be an artist.  That was what I envisioned myself as when I was in preschool; However, I never knew the complexities revolved around wanting to be an artist... and the lack of stability that may or may not accompany it.

So, I'm in school striving to reach that dream that I always imagined for myself... but I'm not entirely sure where to go from here.  I've gone to school, high school, university - all along avoiding the questions I constantly bombard myself with, "Well, Beth... where do you go now? What is it that you want to do?"  I've been plummeting money towards a dream that I already accomplished when I was 6 years old, scribbling drawings on construction paper with crayon.  I am an artist.  I've always been an artist.  Am I more of an artist now than I was then?  If someone gave me a piece of paper and crayon and asked me to draw what I wanted to do with my life would I come up with the same answer?

If I knew what I wanted to be, would this graduating process be a whole lot easier?  I'm not entirely sure that it would be.  Maybe it's not knowing the makes this process and life more interesting.  

How boring life would be if we knew exactly how it was going to play out.  Life can get pretty boring when it's all routine.  It's not knowing that keeps us on the edge of our seats.  When we're watching a movie for the first time it is interesting and captivating because we don't know what's going to happen;  However, a movie becomes less intriguing when you know exactly when you're going to jump and when your emotions are going to be triggered.

Once upon a time I wanted a plan.  I would become reliant on plans that I'd establish for myself.  However, if we have plans and they don't work out the way we want it leads to nothing but disappointment.  So, maybe I should just embrace not knowing and pop some popcorn.  Our life is our own movie and we are the ones creating the script as we go.

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