Lack of Sleep

It's after two in the morning and I just finished chowing down a bowl of delicious Kraft Dinner. Ah, yes... it's that time of the season for all-nighters, powered by Redbull, consisting of non-stop studying and note-writing (and/or painting).

At the end of every semester, my body is triggered off schedule; I find it almost impossible to sleep comfortably... or at all. I lay in bed, for hours, tossing and turning, thinking of all the work I could be doing. It's not that I don't want to sleep. I love sleep and if I could sleep I most certainly would. But I just can't. I've tried, trust me. I'm physically and mentally exhausted but as soon as my head hits the pillow I immediately transform into the Energizer Bunny, hungry for activity.

So, I can either lay in bed - restless - for the majority of the night... or I can stay up and be productive.

Exam period, for me, is like every night is Christmas Eve and no matter what I can't do, I CANNOT sleep. I'm certainly not excited for anything. Wait. Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm just so excited for my work to be finished, for me to travel home and for Santa to come.

I can almost see the finish line... it's just buried in a mountain of notes and half painted canvases. Oh yes, that's what it's like. Alright, let me put it another way:

You're asleep and dreaming. You're trying to get to the end of the hallway to exit the door. You're walking and the door keeps getting farther away. You run, but you can't fun fast enough. It feels as though a massive thousand-pound weight is holding you back. Why?

You're asleep and dreaming. Someone is chasing you. You try to fly. You usually succeed in flying for leisurely purposes; However, the one time you actually need to get away... you lack your flying abilities. They've diminished. You can only float up a few feet off the ground before the bottoms of your feet pitter-patter against the gravel again. Why?

You're asleep and dreaming. You meet someone famous. You're excited. You can't believe it. You try to find a pen to get an autograph. The pen is ink-less. You reach for your camera only to realize you'd left it in your dresser drawer. You run back to your house to find it, knowing for a fact that that the camera is there. It's not there. Why?

Now, combine all of those feelings into one and it's exactly what I'm experiencing right now. I'm awake and not happy about it. I'm trying to get work done. Nothing is going my way. I can see the finish line, but no matter what I do I can't get closer to it. I'd love to sleep it all away... but I can't.

WHY?!

Guys Hate Twilight.

People, mostly men, are complaining about Twilight/New Moon... saying that it's demeaning to men.  It's obvious from the hollers in the mostly-female theatre audience that the men are being objectified.  For most of the movie, Jacob and his gang are shirtless, showing off their chiseled bodies.  Bella, the main character, is the one who drives the plot forward.  And, as physically powerful as Jacob and Edward are, they fall weak to Bella whom they love.  She is the one who holds the control and decided who she wants to be with, therefore, she's the one that drives the plot forwards.

I know several guys that these movies actually infuriate.  They claim Twilight/New Moon sets fantasized expectations that real guys feel they could never live up to.  Many guys are pissed that Stephanie Meyer is projecting these fake men who are highly sexualized.  These guys sit, uncomfortable, in the movie theatre while girls shriek when Jacob whips off his shirt.

I'm curious as to why men are uncomfortable with their own objectification while women are basically numb to theirs;  Women are expected to say nothing when Megan Fox's ass is plastered all over the Hollywood screen.  It's because it is the norm.  Since the production of old Hollywood films, females have been objectified on the screen in order to satisfy the male gaze.  The protagonist has usually been the male, withholding the qualities that make him ideal:  strong, powerful, handsome, wealthy, while the female is a representation of a sexual fantasy from a male point of view: sexualized, beautiful, isolated, weak.  This is the way it has been throughout the years and, unfortunately, will continue to be.  The female character performs for the male.  In Laura Mulvey's essay Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema, she states that "as the narrative progresses [the female] falls in love with the main male protagonist and becomes his property, losing her outward glamorous characteristics."

So, again... why is it that men feel uncomfortable with their own objectification?  I commend Stephanie Meyer for switching it around and objectifying men on screen.  It's really one of the first movies produced purely for the female gaze and I'm not complaining... and I really think guys shouldn't either.

Welcome December

Wow.  December, already. 

This is the last week of classes for this semester.  CRAZY.  I've been buckling down in the studio painting as many portraits as I can.  My ideas for my 4th year project has shifted a bit.  I'm cropping out the diary dates and making it primarily about the people.  I don't think the portraits I've painted need any more information.  I think they're enough as it is.  

I'm working primarily in watercolour paints.  I've definitely feel like I've mastered the medium and I feel most comfortable working this way.  The portraits are fairly large... about 2ft x 3ft.  They're fairly loose in structure... I like them that way.  I like the "incomplete" look to them.  It's definitely the body of work that I'm most proud of.  I enjoy painting them.  Portraits used to be such a chore.  If you remember some of my previous entries, I've ranted about how much I loathe painting portraits... but it's so therapeutic to me now.  Maybe it's because I know can relate to the people I'm painting.

I've been looking at options overseas for next year.  The majority of applications are due in January and February which means I'm going to need a decent amount of work to document for a submission portfolio.  There are many MFA programs all over the world... so I've been looking into them.  I've been looking at one in New York, London and one in Ireland.  My other options are NSCAD in Halifax for a Visual Arts Certificate in Studio (a sort of prep for MFA)... or Cape Breton University for Bachelor of Education to teach art in high schools.

There are so many options and I'm glad I'm not narrowing my search to one one or two options.  This is a big decision in my life and I really have to weigh all of the possibilities.  Remember that when it comes time for you to take that next big step after graduation (high school or university), that you really think about all the possibilities.  This is the rest of your life that you're dealing with!  

Dream big and don't limit yourself.  Don't give up on what you want to do.  Have faith in yourself.  The only thing that's stopping you from reaching that dream is yourself.  Remember that!  Nothing is standing in your way.

Home Away From Home

You're in high school.  You're graduating this year and weighing your potential options for next year.  You know one thing for sure - you want to leave home.  The thought of being free from your parents' supervision and rules is exciting.  You're swaying towards that acceptance letter from the university a few hours away from home.

But...

Are you ready to move away from home?

You really have to think about this before deciding because if you're not ready than it can completely ruin your university experience.  You don't want to end up living on your own, and then being anxious to visit home every possible weekend that you can.  I know people that have done this... people who weren't ready to move away from home... and it inevitably interfered with their university experience.  Let me tell you one thing right now:  The more you go home, the more you want to go home.  And that can not only interfere with your university experience, but also your grades.  

Mount Allison is my home away from home, and it's very seldom that I travel the ten hour bus ride home.  It's been this way since first year.  I, definitely, was ready to move away from home after graduating high school.  The years after high school are the best years of your life

 and you shouldn't dread them.  You should want to be away.  You should want to actively participate in your home away from home. 

Sometimes we end up in ruts and we want to travel home to be in a comfortable place surrounded by our family.  I've been in this boat before too.  Last year, I traveled home a lot for various reasons because I was in that rut.  I was anything but motivated.  However, the more I traveled home, the less connected I felt to my home at university... and the less I wanted to get back on track.  Sometimes it's easier to hide at home, but I'm here to tell you (since I've been on both side of the fence) that the best thing you can do is not to hide.  The more you hide the less likely you want to be found.

If you come to Mount Allison, you don't want it to be just a place where you come for an education.  Don't hesitate to really settle in and make it your home.  Learn to love it and be comfortable within it.  There's so much more to do than just go to classes.  Use the weekends, instead of traveling hours on the road to go home, to explore Sackville - your town away from your town.  There's so much to be seen and to be done.  Do not hide.  The more you hide, the less likely you want to be found.

I dream a dream

I ordered my grad ring today... it's 10K white gold, size 7, has the Flying A symbol, BFA on one side, my graduating year on other, my initials "BMBM" to be engraved on the inside... and it's four hundred bucks.  $405.67 to be exact.  

But, it's something that I'm going to wear with pride for the rest of my life.  It's really sinking in that I'm graduating.  I'm so excited but so stressed at the same time.  I've spent the last few days weighing my options for next year and filling out applications for various schools.  It would be a lot easier if I knew what I wanted to do... but I really haven't the slightest clue.  If only this decision about life was as easy as it was when we were in preschool;  We always knew exactly what we wanted to be when we grew up as we excitedly scribbled it in pictures on construction paper with crayon.  It's funny because that's essentially what I do everyday... "scribble pictures on construction paper with crayon" but it still isn't clear.  I always wanted to be an artist.  That was what I envisioned myself as when I was in preschool; However, I never knew the complexities revolved around wanting to be an artist... and the lack of stability that may or may not accompany it.

So, I'm in school striving to reach that dream that I always imagined for myself... but I'm not entirely sure where to go from here.  I've gone to school, high school, university - all along avoiding the questions I constantly bombard myself with, "Well, Beth... where do you go now? What is it that you want to do?"  I've been plummeting money towards a dream that I already accomplished when I was 6 years old, scribbling drawings on construction paper with crayon.  I am an artist.  I've always been an artist.  Am I more of an artist now than I was then?  If someone gave me a piece of paper and crayon and asked me to draw what I wanted to do with my life would I come up with the same answer?

If I knew what I wanted to be, would this graduating process be a whole lot easier?  I'm not entirely sure that it would be.  Maybe it's not knowing the makes this process and life more interesting.  

How boring life would be if we knew exactly how it was going to play out.  Life can get pretty boring when it's all routine.  It's not knowing that keeps us on the edge of our seats.  When we're watching a movie for the first time it is interesting and captivating because we don't know what's going to happen;  However, a movie becomes less intriguing when you know exactly when you're going to jump and when your emotions are going to be triggered.

Once upon a time I wanted a plan.  I would become reliant on plans that I'd establish for myself.  However, if we have plans and they don't work out the way we want it leads to nothing but disappointment.  So, maybe I should just embrace not knowing and pop some popcorn.  Our life is our own movie and we are the ones creating the script as we go.

Quick Update: NYC

I found in New York what I was hoping to find in San Francisco... a whole lot of motivation.

NYC was imploding with creativity and being in the presence of such fascinating contemporary artwork was inspiring.

We saw a lot of prodigious museums including The Metropolitan, MOMA, The New Museum, Whitney, and The Guggenheim but what really sparked my interest was the Chelsea Galleries.  Chelsea, where we were staying in NY consisted of several streets full of warehouses made into galleries, showcasing contemporary artwork.  It was all new so it captured me in a way that a Degas painting couldn't.  

Elizabeth Peyton is definitely one of my favorite artists, and now: Hope Gangloff.  Peyton does amazing watercolour portraits.  Her artwork is something I keep in mind when I make my own watercolour portraits.  After being introduced to the intense pen marks that make up Gangloff's portraits, I'm motivated to capture that same energy in my own art.

The trip consisted of mostly doing what we wanted on our own time.  We had a lot of time to explore the city and do whatever we wanted.  We explored China town, Little Italy, trekked to the top of the Rockefeller Centre, journeyed through Times Square and shopped on Fifth Avenue.

While eating at The Half King in Chelsea, we noticed that Ed Westwick (Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl) was eating in the booth behind us.  I approached him with my napkin and pen while my friends hid in their seats and asked him for his autograph.  It was exciting.  I fought every urge to throw up, faint, and salivate in front of him.  I succeeded.  He signed my napkin.  I was happy.  I was on celebrity watch for the rest of the week but all else I saw was The Naked Cowboy, haha.

It was a fantastic trip but certainly exhausting.  I'm glad to be back so I can catch up on all the work I missed.  I can't believe there are only three weeks left in the semester!  THREE WEEKS.  It makes me so excited but I also want to vomit, haha.  I have so much to do before Christmas break comes.

Alright folks,

I better get ready for class!

Take care until next time!

The Illusionist

I sat in the stadium chair, my hands gripping my knees trying to stop them from quivering.  I'd been waiting for this moment since I was eight years old.  The never ending smile was plastered across my face as I watched the titles on the big screen in front of me. "World's Best Illusionist!" "20 Emmy Awards!" "A Living Legend!"

I'd been a fan of David Copperfield's for longer than I can remember.  I used to watch his tricks and illusions we'd taped off of TV over and over again, the same captivation and excitement overtaking me each time.  He was always someone I had longed to see but never thought I'd actually get to.  So, when I found out he was coming to Cape Breton I thought it was a joke.  I never ever thought that I'd actually get a chance to see the magician of our lifetime.

So, I sat in the stadium chair... awaiting his arrival.  I'm going to relate it to Johnny Depp's version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  I felt like one of the golden ticket winners, anxiously waiting to see if Willy Wonka would live up to the expectations that have been built up over the years.  There was a grand introduction, just like in the movie... which built up my expectations even more.  David Copperfield eventually appeared on a motorcycle... which came out of nowhere... which was incredibly fascinating.  The box was empty... then it wasn't.  

I sat, like the golden ticket winner, peering up at the stage thinking, "You're Willy Wonka?"

I think I was expecting the same David Copperfield that was present in the tapes I'd watch at home.  He was lacking ambience... charm; He wasn't as suave as I was hoping he'd still be.  I was expecting him to be... tall and handsome, but there was something very disproportional about him.  

Nonetheless, the show blew me away.  My only complaint was that I wish it was longer than an hour.  I think, in some ways, I was disappointed because I was expecting someone phenomenal... while for the most part, it was all the same tricks I've already seen.  I was hoping to see some favorites that he didn't perform.  I'm sure he puts on a very different show in Las Vegas.  Cape Breton is a small area and the tickets were less than a hundred bucks - so, the show was a hundred dollar show.  I'm sure in places where there's more money, he can afford to put on a more extravagant show.

He did this trick... which was pretty incredible, haha.

I was heartbroken to find out David Copperfield is old, decrepit and mullet-less.  However, if you ever get the chance to see him, I definitely recommend it.  I assure you you'll be blown away by his illusions and magic.  He's more than just a magician... he's a performer.  He builds a relationship with the audience... though, I do agree with other reviews that his show is a little "mechanic" now.  But, I guess... maybe that's inevitable since he's been doing it repeatedly for so long.

What I was expecting:

What I got: