Bryan.

I was fourteen when I met him.

The summer of 2002 was the summer that everyone went to the mall on Saturdays. Saturday afternoons in the mall were spent mingling with friends from various groups and meeting new ones.

He emitted such a positive energy and his smile lit up his whole face. He shook my hand and enthusiastically introduced himself as Bryan. There was something about him that made me long to be his friend. Right away, I was proud to walk through the mall beside him. Him, another friend and I walked through the mall listening to him speak. His voice was so lyrical - probably because he voiced a smile through every spoken word.

"Have you ever had Butter Pecan ice cream?" He looked at me. I shifted from foot to foot trying to avoid his stare. His eyes held such intensity that was enough to make my insides quiver. I shook my head and smiled. We made our way to the grocery store where we purchased a massive tub of Butter Pecan ice cream and a package of disposable spoons. We walked through the mall while Bryan passed out spoons to random friends, inviting them to try a spoonful of his favourite ice cream.

This day was the introduction of a great friendship. I spent almost everyday of that summer spending time with Bryan and his friends. We'd went to camp together that summer. I treasured every moment that I had with him because the moments truly impacted me. He was such a passionate person. Bryan told me that he had cystic fibrosis and was told by his family doctor that he was lucky to live as long as he did. Bryan had a twin brother, Brendan, who passed away at the age of five with CF. Bryan saw every day that he woke up as a gift and lived it to the fullest. He touched everyone who knew him in a tremendous way. He loved life, he loved his life, and he loved everyone in his life. He was always greeting people with hugs and smiles. Bryan expressed his feelings on his life, his disease, and his brother through his music. He was in a band called West Avenue, where he played guitar and sang. He was exploding with talent and was passionate about writing and singing his own music.

I remember a time in high school where a complete jackass (you know... those kinds of jackasses that hang out together in high school) was pushing Bryan around. Bry was wearing eyeliner and the jackass was muttering words like, "fag" at him. The jackass hit Bry's hat off of his head, shouting jackass comments at him in regards to the eyeliner. My stomach cringed while I watched, not knowing what to expect. Bryan smiled at him, "Everyone has their own opinions. I respect that." Bryan picked up his hat and walked away. This situation really showed Bryan's amazing character.

Friday. October 10th, 2003.

I was at a school dance when I found out that Bryan passed away. He'd been at the IWK hospital for a few weeks, but our prayers and hopes were high. My insides grew numb when I found out. My knees fell weak and I dropped to the floor. My stomach ached and I clenched my hands into fists by my side. I rocked back and forth, crying. My boyfriend held me and cried. I looked around while the terrible news diffused through the crowd. Tears, shouts... pain.

The following Monday at school was treacherous. Not a soul spoke. The silence held gut wrenching pain. Everyone's faces were expressionless. Nobody knew what to say. It was evident, then, how much Bryan had affected so many people.

Bryan loved his life and lived every minute that he had the very best that he could. I try to always think of Bryan when my life gets tough. He had a rough life and was battling against a disease in which the odds were against him... but it didn't stop him from celebrating life every day. I think it's important not to get caught up and stressed out about things in life when the situation can always be much much worse. I think it's important to celebrate life, rather than get upset about it.

Not only do I aim to celebrate my own life everyday, I aim to celebrate Bryan's.

Check out the Facebook page "Brystock" to learn a little bit more about how Bry's friends and family continue to celebrate his life, while benefitting others.

flux capacitor

Did you ever think about all the different forks in the road you've encountered throughout your life? Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you'd chosen to go down the alternate path? I often do.

I often imagine going to sleep and waking up in the past, still consumed with the knowledge of the future I had initially chosen. And I often imagine, given the opportunity, if I would choose the same way that I did. You always hear that famous quote regurgitated by friends to "never regret anything in life, because at one time it is exactly what you wanted." But is this really true? How many of us actually believe this? Maybe some of the choices we've made are not what we wanted - but obstacles got in the way, gearing us towards that specific path inevitably. Maybe the vast majority of us choose to faithfully believe in this quote because it's much easier to accept than the fact that maybe the choices we didn't make would've been the better ones. Maybe the vast majority of us choose to faithfully believe in this quote because life would be extremely pitiful if we lived it in the past, constantly wondering, "what if".

Another quote I, myself, used to regurgitate over and over again is that "it's better to regret what you've done rather than what you haven't done." But what if what you haven't done was choosing that other road to venture on? Maybe one of the biggest reasons that we do wallow in our own past (and the choices we could've/should've made) is because we're fearful of the future. We're fearful of the future that is at the end of the path - the path that we chose.

But if we constantly live with regrets of yesterday and worries for tomorrow, then we're losing something extremely important - today. A quote I recently stumbled upon is one by philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard who said, "I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations - one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it - you will regret both."

I thought about this quote for awhile before I realized how true it actually is. No matter what decisions you make... no matter what path you choose to walk down... you're always going to wonder what you're life would be like if you had chosen the alternate path.

I recognize that "if only" are two of the saddest words in the world, but it doesn't stop me from wishing I had a DeLorean with a flux capacitor so I could go back in time. Though... we've seen the tangled web Marty McFly ended up in when he did that. However, he did make subtle changes in his life for the better and he did end up with a sweet 4x4 in the end.

smackers

When we're stressed, upset or frustrated... we tend to reflect back onto more comfortables times when our lives didn't seem so heavy. We seldom deliberately get lost in memories that were painful... that's why it's so easy for people in abusive relationships to continue going back to that abusive partner. When reflecting back on relationships, we choose to be blind to the times when we were upset... because reliving those feelings is uncomfortable. Instead, we remember only the happy times and times that comfort us.

Some people go on forever living in their past - reliving those happy memories because what we know is a lot more comforting than the unknown. We have no idea what our future holds for us and that can be extremely overwhelming. So, even though our past may not have been perfect - it is a lot easier to think about than thinking about the unpredictability of the years to come.

We tend to tie comforting memories to certain objects. When we're feeling upset, it's natural to put on a song that's tied to something or someone special. There's this body wash I used to own... Bonne Bell Smackers Orange Starburst. I've only ever owned one bottle because I've only ever seen it in stores the one time I decided to pick it up. I just spent twenty dollars to order one online... just so I can escape into the delicious scent... and escape into the days when I was the most happy and stress free. Ok, maybe I wasn't completely stress-free (because we repress bad feelings of the past), but this scent definitely relieved a lot of stress.

There's also perfume by Bonne Bell I'm dying to hunt down. It's called "Lucky" and it was from the Emotions scents. It was my absolute favourite scent in the world but they discontinued it when I was in grade six, I think. There is something so innocent about these scents which is why they appeal to me. They remind me of the complete joy and satisfaction I'd get every Saturday going into Walmart and peeking at all the flavours of Bonne Bell Smackers lil balm. I'd scan each and every package... taking in all of the bright colours and delicious sounding titles. Strawberry Cheesecake, Nilla Mint Frost, Berry Jelly Donut, Candy Confetti. I'd buy one just for the sake of buying it. I think the process was way more exciting to me than actually using the lil balm. I had a special box that I'd collect all of my Smackers lil balms in. I'd buy a new one, take it out of the package, and place it with the rest that made up a rainbow of different colours and satisfying smells. Berry Heavenly was my absolute favourite.

I forever long to escape into a time when everything was cured with just the delicious smell Bonne Bell lip balm or body wash.

persistence pays

I'm back in Sackville now with high hopes that this semester is going to be a breeze. I only have one class on Monday and Wednesday from 8:30-11:30am... and that's it.

Why, you ask?

Well, two of my courses are studio courses which in previous years took up 12 hours in my school week. However, because these courses are independent ones this year, I work independently in my own time. I'm taking my elective course through correspondence, which I also do in my own time. Other than that, according to my audit form that I filled out, I have everything I need to graduate! It feels fantastic! This semester is going to be such a load off and a great way to end my years at Mount Allison.

Makesure you don't leave your audit form to your last year. An audit form is a form specific to your degree and it tells you what courses you need to graduate. So, you check off what ones you have and need. If I hadn't have done it I would've had a full semester... but I'm not doing to dish out money for extra courses when they're not necessary for my BFA. You can print off your audit form on the MTA website.

I've been refreshing my transcript almost every half hour. I'm waiting for one more mark and the anticipation of its final stamped arrival on the website is driving insanity through my veins. As soon as that mark is in, my transcripts will be sent to Cape Breton University and Nova Scotia College of Art and Design. So, ultimately, my acceptance into either of those schools is waiting on this one mark.

I have only three months before I wave goodbye to the place that has shaped me in more ways than I ever could have initially anticipated. I only have three months before I way goodbye to Sackville forever. I'm not looking forward to packing up the last four years... that's for sure. After your first year of university, you just take what you need home for the summer and you end up leaving whatever you won't need (winter clothing, bedding, towels, etc.). So, I've basically been saving up a reckless amount of junk throughout my moves through residences and apartments. My parents have come to terms with the fact we'll have to rent a U-Haul in order to comfortably take everything back to Cape Breton (or Halifax... depending on that acceptance letter I'm anxiously waiting for).

My boyfriend, Liam, told me that if I haven't heard anything by March that I should e-mail whomever I need to in order to irk a response. "The squeaky wheel gets greased"after all. That's a good quote to keep in the back of your mind. It's so true. There are so many times my mother can ignore my continuous yells of her name until she gets sick of my persistence and finally responds, "WHAT!"

So, keep that in mind. If you really want something... (like the attention of your mother) continuously try to get it... and eventually you will.

Persistence does pay off in the end.

Browsing Art

For an artist, the best inspiration and motivation comes from looking at other artists' work. This is one of the big reasons why creative people love to travel and soak in the creativity that other countries have to offer. After my trip to New York and seeing the vast amount of artwork I did, I was exploding with inspiration and the first thing I wanted to do was hurry home and let it all out in my sketchbook.

There are other ways to be exposed to other artists' work without having to spend hundreds of dollars to travel to another country. There are so many websites designed specifically for artists to exhibit their work and this way you can browse other peoples' artwork as well.

Sometimes I'll spend hours at night browsing these websites. Looking at other artwork will help you cook up ideas for your own. I definitely think every artist should be constantly exposed to other artists. It is why my four years at MTA were as successful as they were. Working in a studio environment with other artists really helped trigger inspiration for my own ideas. Professors constantly encouraged us to get up and look at everyone else's work.

One website that many MTA Fine Arts students participate in is www.feelsgood.ca/ which states it's "for anyone who loves the emerging artwork and underground music scene."

Another website is www.stumbleupon.com/ which I've blogged about before. All you have to do is check off "art" in the category section and you'll be browsing through fantastic artworks/

Here are a few websites that I've bookmarked that you should check out (click on the name to redirect to the website and click on the picture to enlarge):

Claire Morgan Installations

Sam Jinks

Pencil Crayon Sculptures

Won Park Origami

L Filipe dos Santos

Hannah Stouffer

Moolf Street Illusions

I've discovered just these few of many websites on Stumbleupon.  If you sign up (for free) you can save which websites are your favorite.  It's such a great website to browse art.

Prince of the Dolls.

We all have certain "things" that remind us of the holidays.  Some people say clementines taste like Christmas.  Some people may say that ginger bread cookies fresh from the oven smell like Christmas.  We've been gathering memories for years associated with this time of the year.  There is something that, for me, is Christmas.  

The Nutcracker Prince.  The cartoon from 1990.  I became completed obsessed with this movie and have watched it countless numbers of times.  When I was little, I wanted so much to be Clara and to fall in love with The Nutcracker Prince, like her.  I had my very own wooden Nutcracker Prince doll that I envisioned coming to life as soon as I fell asleep.  I treated him with as much care and love as Clara did.  

I remember the Christmas when I was nine years old.  All I wanted was ballet slippers - just like the ones Clara unwrapped on Christmas Eve.  I was never so excited when I unwrapped them.  I ran into my parents' room - waking them up - showing them what Santa had brought me.  I slipped my feet into them and danced to The Nutcracker Prince soundtrack. I wore them everywhere; Eventually, through the years, they turned rugged and torn and were much too small for me, but I still tried to squeeze my feet into them.  I was terribly sad when my pink ballet slippers were thrown out.

Sometimes, it's hard to get into the Christmas mood for whatever reason.  I remember the year my sister couldn't come home for the holidays - it didn't feel like Christmas at all.  Sometimes, all you have to do is take a bite of a clementine, smell cookies baking, or watch an old movie to snap you back into the spirit again,

I only wish I had pink ballet slippers to dance in.

Christmas is for Children

Do you remember when you stopped believing in Santa Claus?  Did the magic of Christmas fade a little bit?  Christmas Eve was your most favorite memory where you would anxiously lay in bed, hurrying to sleep so you could wake to a tree full of presents; however, the more you thought about it, the farther from sleep you traveled.  Did that excitement and anticipation grow dull as you got older?

I don't think it did for me and my family.  My sister is 34, my brother is 27, and I am 22 (well, almost).  We still go through the same Christmas routine like we did when we were fifteen years younger.  My sister and I stay up Christmas Eve, watching Christmas specials that are taped on a video cassette tape.  Then we watch The Nutcracker Prince while sipping on hot chocolate.  Mum, busily wrapping presents, hands them off to us to Jenga-style stack them under the tree.  We write a letter for Santa and leave him a snack.  My sister and I have a sleepover in her room where we brush eachother's hair and play card games.  We say our prayers and eventually fall into a sleepless dream.  

I wake up and go out in the living room to see the tree exploding with presents, the stockings filled and Santa's responding letter.  I'm allowed to open one gift... but it has to be from Santa.  I do, but not before I grab my stocking and empty its contents on the floor.  My sister wakes up and comes out after me.  She looks through her stocking and opens up her one gift.  We're anxiously waiting for our parents to wake up so we can finish destroying the tree's contents.  My brother wakes up and joins us.  After three or four trips into Mum's and Dad's room, they finally come out.  Dad starts making breakfast.  I can smell and hear the sizzle of the bacon from the kitchen as my mother points out "the bow bag", "the wrapping paper bag" and "the tissue bag", instructing us to put the reusable goods in its proper bag.

It's mostly the same today - only slightly different now that my sister is married and has a baby.  We've still been writing Santa letters for years, and the gifts still aren't put under the tree until my sister, my brother and me are asleep.  We caught Mum once... with a massive garbage bag, emptying presents that were tagged "Love Santa".  It was early in the evening and we weren't close to being tired.  My brother and I snapped at Mum.  She laughed and took the presents back in her room.  

We still did the Santa routine, long after the belief of Santa was gone.  But that magic is more vivid than ever now that my two and a half year old little nephew will be waking up with us on Christmas morning.  It's not even close to Christmas eve but I'm so excited.  I feel like I'm six years old again and I can't wait for Santa to come.  I'm most looking forward to my nephew's reaction and getting excited with him.  

I'm excited because Christmas is when my family and I are together once again - and it's that magic of Santa that makes us all feel like children again.  It's that magic of Santa that makes us all feel so close.  It's that magic of Santa that makes us forget the stress of the world and makes us believe that nothing else matters but being together.

In a way, we never stopped believing in Santa... and I don't think we ever will.