Burst your bubble

Yesterday was a beautiful day and I found myself walking through High Park, feeling like I was 100km away from the city. The sun's rays were massaging my skin and I breathed in the saturated aroma of assorted flowers and a campfire nearby. I paused in my footsteps and realized I was feeling a bit nostalgic. For the first time since I'd arrived in Toronto, I was missing home. The only thing I was missing was the sound of crashing waves against the shore and the smell of sea salt.

Near the campfire, kids were singing and playing games and then it really dawned on me; it wasn't just home I was missing - it was camp. It's the first summer since I was nine years old that I'm not counting down the days to when I start packing to escape. It's the first summer in three years that I'm not spending my entire summer making bracelets, canoeing, singing campfire songs every night, and working with seven people who quickly become my best friends.

Camp is a memory I'll always escape back into triggered by the smell of sunscreen lotion, campfire, chicken noodle soup, pine trees, sea salt, and that musky smell your clothes get when they've been wet and lying on the floor for awhile.

Camp is a memory I'll always escape back into triggered by the sound of birds chirping much earlier before the sun rises, the laughter and chit-chatter of a crowded cafeteria room, the crick-crackling of a campfire burning, and the summer peeper's singing in the nighttime.

Initially, I thought I was completely comfortable with not going back to camp. I was ready to say goodbye and was confident that my last summer working there would be my last. But now, I find myself wanting to escape back into that place; I'm not just accidentally stumbling upon the smells and sounds, but I'm desperately seeking for them... hungry to tightly hold onto the happy memories that significantly shaped the person that I am.

It's because of camp that helped me realize the importance of holding onto your inner child. I realize life is too short to take seriously all the time and I take no shame in being reluctant to let go of that inner child. My friends here in Toronto laughed and asked if I was a child while I bought a few packages of Hubba Bubba chewing gum. We spent the following few hours roaring in laughter and snapping pictures as we blew bubbles as big as basketballs, watching and hoping that they'll burst all over the others' faces. I constantly tell them that "you're never too old to be a child again". As we grow older, we tend to mature and forget how easy it was to fall into the world of play. I remember the satisfaction I got as I child while I played with my barbie dolls and plush puppies. As we grow up and change, our interests and ideas of "fun" evolve and change. I'm not saying we should all haul out our old trunk of barbie dolls and other such toys, but I'm saying we should learn to embrace our inner child in different ways - in new and adaptive ways.

Do yourself a favour and go buy an outrageous flavour of Hubba Bubba bubble gum and chew away. They've changed the gum since we've been kids, you know?

Get Ready

I can't believe it's basically July already. All of you high school graduates must be excited to soon start the next chapter of your life! When I was in your shoes, I had the next ten years of my life planned and I was confident that I knew exactly how everything was going to play out. If you would've told me then that I would be in Toronto doing an artist residency now, I would've laughed really hard.

I think it's important when you're young to have many dreams and aspirations. You shouldn't be so close minded to options like I once was. I think when we're younger, we're a little stubborn and oblivious to the fact that what we want in life will change as the years go by because we, ourselves, inevitably change.

Four years ago, just after graduating from Glace Bay High School, I was in a relationship with a guy I had been dating throughout high school. I would've bet my life on us being together for the rest of our lives. He was my first love and it was evident that I didn't have a life outside of him... I was perfectly content with that. We were so in love that anything outside of our relationship didn't matter and I know, without a doubt, that I never would've gone anywhere without his side (including an artist residency in Toronto). We went to university together and our plan was to finish school, become teachers, get married, move to Antigonish and start a family.

That plan lasted a whole two years post-graduation before university acted as a barricade, tearing us apart. You will change more than you could anticipate in university and it will truly be self revolutionary. My first love and I grew up and grew apart, but it was probably the best thing that ever could've happened (at least this was the case for me, I'm not sure how he turned out because we've never talked since). I was devastated and crushed as all my dreams and plans were dramatically destroyed before my eyes. But it was when the pages of my pre-written book of life were erased that I truly became a writer. I held the pen and was in complete control. For years with my first love, I knew exactly who I was but now that he wasn't in the picture anymore I had to do some major soul searching and self re-evaluating. I had to find out who I was without him. It was during this period that I started doing things I never would've imagined doing if I were still with him - especially traveling (something I couldn't IMAGINE living life without doing now)

So, you're starting to pack up your life in preparation for the big move to university and I'm telling you... to let go of all your plans. I want you to fully embrace the change that you're about to go through and get ready to face dramatic hardships that will really shape who you are. I'm not saying to let go of your dreams and aspirations, I'm telling you to come to the realization that as you change, so will your dreams. So be prepared to be disappointed, but be prepared to learn and grow from those disappointments.

G20 Zoo

I couldn't believe the chaotic mess that Toronto was the past weekend during the G20 summit. I was on a leisurely stroll through Dundas Square when I accidentally walked into a riot. I actually witnessed the transition from humans to animals as I watched crowds of people throw bricks through store windows and spray paint protests over building walls. I was appalled to see how boisterous and disgusting people were acting. I'd never seen so many police in my life as hundreds lined the streets, equipped with face masks and protective shields. There were police men and women in buses, vans, trucks, bicycles, public transportation and on horses.

It felt like I was in the midst of a war while crowds of people trumped the streets. These streets that I normally walked where I once felt safe, I found myself swallowing lumps of nervousnesses while I kept my arms tucked close to my body. I was tripping over abandoned protest signs, clothes, shoes, garbage, and broken glass. I walked down Yonge Street where every second store's window was smashed. Stores and malls were on lockdown; Their shoppers pressed their hands against the store windows, mouths open in surprise and disgust while they watched the horrific event.

Remember the movie Jumanji? Remember when the animals took over the city and stampeded through the streets destroying everything? That's exactly what it felt like while I walked through the stampede of people.

So, maybe you're questioning my previous statement about witnessing humans transitioning into animals but perhaps this will clear it up if what I've said already hasn't. Above you see an elephant destroying a car, without remorse. And below you see what protestors had done - lit a police car on fire. What normal human beings would do this without remorse? -- only the ones corrupted with the instincts of an animal.

$$$

I never used to let money (or the lack of money) stress me out, but it seems to be sort of inevitable since I've gotten here in Toronto. It was a lot more difficult to find a job here than I thought it was going to be. I dropped off resumes almost everywhere, but with no luck.

Anytime during the school year that I used my credit card for groceries, or shopping, or whatever, I would just put the money right back onto it once I got paid. But now, it's like I feel guilty with every purchase - even if it's a purchase that is a necessity (food, art supplies).

Every weekend there is always something going on. My friends always want to go out, and I don't want to return back to Nova Scotia regretting not going out with these people whom I may never see again. So, I try to convince myself that this summer in Toronto is a once in a lifetime opportunity and that I should live it up, and not let money be an issue. And when I see things from that perspective, I don't feel so stressed; However, I don't think my parents see that things from that perspective. I think they're more stressed about the money I'm spending than I am --- which drives me to frustration... and more stress. It makes me feel guilty every time I transfer money into my account to buy a baguette sandwich for lunch, even though I convince myself that I have to eat.

So, as much as I love Toronto (and I really really do), it's evident that you need a LOT more money to live here than in Sackville or Cape Breton. I just wish I could win money; I would buy a lottery ticket if I wouldn't feel guilty about spending two dollars on it.

I was hoping that since I'm a lifeguard I could easily pick up some shifts at the U of T swimming pool, but they were over staffed and not looking for any more lifeguards.

I was hoping that I could make some money off of my art, but it's way more difficult to get recognition in a big city than a small town.

Sigh. What I really want more than anything right now is a plate of delicious pasta... but I really don't have the money to spend on it.

Cell Phones

Did you ever think about how much we're tied up into our cell phones? Instead of passing people on the street and engaging in conversation, we haul out our cell phones desperately needing to look busy to avoid the awkward passing. There are so many times people have almost walked into me, because they refrain from looking up from their hand held device. I admit that I, too, use my cell phone in unnecessary times but after being in a big city and seeing how wrapped up people are in their cell phones, I've made it a habit to leave mine home.

It seems as though people can't go out for dinner, hang out with friends or go for a walk without having their hand on their phone, waiting for it to vibrate. Recently, there was a service shutdown and one of the popular cell phone providers wasn't working. People were going absolutely INSANE without the ability to send texts. This is just absolutely ridiculous! Once upon a time we survived fine without cell phones... and it wasn't a time too long ago. So, I really think people have to calm down.

Challenge yourself to leave your cell phone at home when you go out for a walk, or to an appointment. It will force you to do other things during the times that you would normally take your phone out of your pocket and update your Facebook status.

It would drive me crazy when I would text me boyfriend when he was out with the guys and he wouldn't text me back. Cell phones have helped a lot and have become an important way to communicate in relationships. It would drive me even crazier when my boyfriend and I were out for dinner, and he would be texting his guy friends. So, as great and convenient as cell phones are, I think we have to learn to become less attached to them. There is a time and a place for cell phones, and I think we abuse them way too much. We've become so reliant on this technology that it can be, and is, a huge issue.

Once upon a time, when out at the club with my friends - I would constantly be checking my cell phone for texts or missed phone calls. I would become so wrapped up in it, that clearly it was interfering with me having a good time. So, while in Toronto, I've been leaving my cell phone at home and having a far more enjoyable time out with friends. What I think is even more nauseating is seeing children and young teenagers with cell phones. I, as well as everyone else in the world, survived just fine without having one when growing up... and I think it's ridiculous when young people have cell phones. They're way too out of touch with the world around them - and it's a disastrous thing. Whenever I have children, I will never allow them to have cell phones until they reach an appropriate age.

Leave your phone at home. Or tuck it away in a pocket where you won't be tempted to check it every minute.

I.L.TO

Never in my life, have I been so completely happy and satisfied. I feel as though this move to Toronto has helped me realize so much about myself. It has helped me redefine everything I've ever believed in. It has helped me challenge myself in ways I'd been long avoiding, but forever needing. I've only been here for 49 days, but I feel like I've finally changed the way I've been craving and needing to change. I feel like I've finally changed the way everybody hungers to change.

My mother often tells me a story about myself when I was younger. My cousin had always had difficulty in school and didn't do as well as I knew she could on tests. In grade four, I spent the whole day before our test helping my cousin study. I worked so hard on helping her memorize the material; I got so caught up in helping her study that I hadn't studied for myself. After she left my house, I was completely stressed and upset, worried that I didn't know the material for the test. My mother often uses this story as an example with how I'm always putting people before myself. She tells me it's my nature - and that, inevitably, I've always worried about other people and have always gone above and beyond to help others.

When I first got to Toronto, I went to a psychic. The very first thing she said to me was, "You always put other people first. You have to stop doing that. You have to put yourself first, and think about what you want and need. Everything else will fall into place."

The move to Toronto has, for the first time in my life, made me think of myself and what I want/need. Maybe that's why I feel so fulfilled and so satisfied. Everyday, before being in Toronto, I always felt the same anxiety and stress that I felt after my cousin left my house that day I helped her study. Now, that huge weight of stress has been lifted off my chest... and I just feel relieved. Now, I do the things I do and make the decisions I make because I want to... and for no other reason but for myself.

There were many reasons why I didn't want to go to Toronto in the first place. I was thinking about all of my friends and how much I'd miss them, I was worried about my relationship with my boyfriend, and I was thinking about my sister and her pregnancy. After plunging through the thoughts of everyone else, I settled on the thoughts of myself and realize that I needed to make this move. I think it's important for everyone to make a move like this in their life. Don't ever settle for the ordinary. It's better to regret what you've done rather than what you haven't. Life is way too short to stay in your comfort zone. Remember that you're creating your own autobiography. Don't write a crappy book... create a masterpiece. Don't create something just mediocre. You hold the pen... no one else.

Letters to a Young Artist

One of my favourite books is Letters to a Young Artist by Julia Cameron. I've read it a few times, but it's comparable to a favourite movie... one you can watch over and over again. Every time you flip through the familiar pages, you gain a little bit more out of it than the last time you read it. Like your favourite movie, there are quotes and jokes you didn't quite comprehend but watch it again in a few years, and they become much more clearer and you're better able to appreciate them. That's exactly how I feel about this book.

Have you ever stumbled across a quote that when as soon as you read it, it was as if you took a huge breath of fresh air? Finding quotes that relate to you can be self revolutionary and motivational. This book, for me, is filled with them. If you're into any sort of creative arts (writing, visual arts, etc.) then I suggest this book become a part of your library. But it's still a great read even if you're not creative or artistic. Many of its quotes can metaphorically relate to life in many many ways. Julia Cameron states a Picasso quote that "we are all born children" and that "the trick is remaining one." She says that children don't worry about masterpieces when they are playing. We, as artists, only want to make good art - masterpieces, but bad art is better than creating no art at all. We have to stop thinking and talking about making art and DO IT. The quote Cameron says is "art is not about thinking something up. It is the opposite -- getting something down." She elaborates a lot on this, which helped me sort of break away from my theory of "well, I'm not FEELING motivated! I don't want to make art today... so I won't! There. It's rationalized." Bullshit!

"As you move towards a dream, the dream move towards you". This is such a great quote to keep in your mind because, when you think about it, it's so true. How will you ever reach your goals if you sit back, wondering how you're going to reach them? You have to move and work, and eventually your efforts will be rewarded and your goals will be in reach.