all you need is love

I'd love to be one of those people who doesn't succumb to the cliche that is Valentine's Day. But I'm not. I'm completely infatuated with the idea of a day devoted completely to love. I'm one of those ridiculously sappy people that craves for those unattainable fairytales that seemingly only exist in novels and movies. My friends call me a rare breed and say I "bring faith to the idea that love can be real and exist". Love is something I've always been extremely passionate about. It has always been my drive and motivation for a lot of things.

My mother wants me to be completely independent, and for the most part I am. "You don't have to get married, Beth. You know, you could just live for yourself and live out all of your dreams on your own." I smile and nod when my mother tells me these things, but think to myself, "...but Mum, those dreams aren't worth living to me if I'm not sharing them with someone whom I love." A lot of people are brought up believing in the ideology that they must meet someone, fall in love, and get married. It's rare that you find someone perfectly content on their own... with no intentions at all with finding someone to share their life with eventually. That way of life is so exotic and attractive to me, and is the basis around the facade I sometimes try to paint for myself. I claim independence when I travel to all the places I've traveled. I claim independence when I'm as spontaneous and have a fire for life the way I do. But, for the most part, the only person I'm really trying to fool is myself.

It doesn't take long before the paint starts to crack, and my true romantic and completely dependent self is exposed. It takes a lot of willpower to continually try to resurface that exotic and independent facade. But like I said, the only person I'm really trying to fool is myself. I'm coming to terms with that. My friends and family are completely aware of the fact that I'm in love with love... and I always will be.

So, no, I don't think Valentine's Day is over rated. And sure, I do believe that love should not just be celebrated on one day, but every day of the year; However, sometimes our vision is blurred and I believe a day such as Valentine's Day is there to allow ourselves to refocus and realize the extent of love that we have for that special someone in our lives; and it's about celebrating that love; and celebrating that love with each other.

the inevitability of failed perfection

Failure.

I was one of those pre-teens and teenagers cursed with severe acne. I never really thought of it as a serious condition until I made my first dermatologist visit in grade eight. She closely studied my face before responding, "Well... this is really bad, isn't it?"

For years, I made countless trips to that same dermatologist office being prescribed numerous ointments and pills. The acne weighed me down and shred my self confidence. Every time I looked in the mirror I'd see the ugly facade that masked me. Every time I met someone knew, or had a crush on a guy... I knew all they'd see was the vast amount of pimples and redness that plastered my skin. It was a painful experience - both physically and mentally. I'm an extremely impatient person and the thought of waiting at least six weeks per treatment to see results frustrated me. I hated how my dermatologist constantly told me, "it has to get worse before it gets better." I hated how my parents constantly regurgitated that same line to me. I hated the routine I fell into - the swallowing of pills at particular times before and after meals, the application of the numerous tubes of ointment that were to be used at specific times of the day. I didn't just have it on my face. It was on my arms and my back. I was prescribed specific ointments to apply to those areas at specific times of the day as well.

Makeup became my best friend. I was obsessed with caking on copious amounts of liquid foundations and powders to cover my face. My dermatologist would scold me when I popped a pimple, telling me it would scar. I didn't care. I had no patience to deal with said pimples, and they were much easier to cover with makeup once they were popped.

In high school, I would make routine visits to the bathroom and my locker before, after and between classes to check my face. Ten minutes at the end of every class was designated to haul out my foundation and mirror to retouch what had come off. No matter how hard I tried, the acne would always beat me down. I couldn't run away from it. I strived for this ideal perfection that I never could really obtain.

My acne is gone now, but I still see that pimpled face teenager when I look in the mirror. I'm cursed with the scars that my dermatologist warned me would appear from popping the pimples. Makeup is still my best friend. I'll spend forever getting ready for the day, applying my makeup; at the end of the day, I'll look in the mirror and see that my makeup has diminished. I'm still striving for that perfection that really is unattainable.

I think we're this way with a lot of things. We all want to pick the apple at the grocery store that isn't bruised... We all strive for this idealized perfection.

When I was a child, I would colour the pages of a colouring book like most children do. When I'd accidentally scribble outside of the lines, I'd get frustrated at myself and tear out the page to start over. How many times do we get frustrated at ourselves and want to wipe the slate clean? A lot.

I was asked by my professor to document a performance piece themed around "failure". Here, I sit at the table... blinding myself. I give myself thirty seconds to colour the page of a colouring book. Once the thirty seconds is up, I tear it out - recognizing (even without looking) that I have failed my goal to stay inside the lines since I'm unable to see. It's essentially an infinite project of striving to reach that goal of perfection... a goal we all strive to achieve throughout our lives... will we ever realize that perfection doesn't actually exist?

Bryan.

I was fourteen when I met him.

The summer of 2002 was the summer that everyone went to the mall on Saturdays. Saturday afternoons in the mall were spent mingling with friends from various groups and meeting new ones.

He emitted such a positive energy and his smile lit up his whole face. He shook my hand and enthusiastically introduced himself as Bryan. There was something about him that made me long to be his friend. Right away, I was proud to walk through the mall beside him. Him, another friend and I walked through the mall listening to him speak. His voice was so lyrical - probably because he voiced a smile through every spoken word.

"Have you ever had Butter Pecan ice cream?" He looked at me. I shifted from foot to foot trying to avoid his stare. His eyes held such intensity that was enough to make my insides quiver. I shook my head and smiled. We made our way to the grocery store where we purchased a massive tub of Butter Pecan ice cream and a package of disposable spoons. We walked through the mall while Bryan passed out spoons to random friends, inviting them to try a spoonful of his favourite ice cream.

This day was the introduction of a great friendship. I spent almost everyday of that summer spending time with Bryan and his friends. We'd went to camp together that summer. I treasured every moment that I had with him because the moments truly impacted me. He was such a passionate person. Bryan told me that he had cystic fibrosis and was told by his family doctor that he was lucky to live as long as he did. Bryan had a twin brother, Brendan, who passed away at the age of five with CF. Bryan saw every day that he woke up as a gift and lived it to the fullest. He touched everyone who knew him in a tremendous way. He loved life, he loved his life, and he loved everyone in his life. He was always greeting people with hugs and smiles. Bryan expressed his feelings on his life, his disease, and his brother through his music. He was in a band called West Avenue, where he played guitar and sang. He was exploding with talent and was passionate about writing and singing his own music.

I remember a time in high school where a complete jackass (you know... those kinds of jackasses that hang out together in high school) was pushing Bryan around. Bry was wearing eyeliner and the jackass was muttering words like, "fag" at him. The jackass hit Bry's hat off of his head, shouting jackass comments at him in regards to the eyeliner. My stomach cringed while I watched, not knowing what to expect. Bryan smiled at him, "Everyone has their own opinions. I respect that." Bryan picked up his hat and walked away. This situation really showed Bryan's amazing character.

Friday. October 10th, 2003.

I was at a school dance when I found out that Bryan passed away. He'd been at the IWK hospital for a few weeks, but our prayers and hopes were high. My insides grew numb when I found out. My knees fell weak and I dropped to the floor. My stomach ached and I clenched my hands into fists by my side. I rocked back and forth, crying. My boyfriend held me and cried. I looked around while the terrible news diffused through the crowd. Tears, shouts... pain.

The following Monday at school was treacherous. Not a soul spoke. The silence held gut wrenching pain. Everyone's faces were expressionless. Nobody knew what to say. It was evident, then, how much Bryan had affected so many people.

Bryan loved his life and lived every minute that he had the very best that he could. I try to always think of Bryan when my life gets tough. He had a rough life and was battling against a disease in which the odds were against him... but it didn't stop him from celebrating life every day. I think it's important not to get caught up and stressed out about things in life when the situation can always be much much worse. I think it's important to celebrate life, rather than get upset about it.

Not only do I aim to celebrate my own life everyday, I aim to celebrate Bryan's.

Check out the Facebook page "Brystock" to learn a little bit more about how Bry's friends and family continue to celebrate his life, while benefitting others.

flux capacitor

Did you ever think about all the different forks in the road you've encountered throughout your life? Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you'd chosen to go down the alternate path? I often do.

I often imagine going to sleep and waking up in the past, still consumed with the knowledge of the future I had initially chosen. And I often imagine, given the opportunity, if I would choose the same way that I did. You always hear that famous quote regurgitated by friends to "never regret anything in life, because at one time it is exactly what you wanted." But is this really true? How many of us actually believe this? Maybe some of the choices we've made are not what we wanted - but obstacles got in the way, gearing us towards that specific path inevitably. Maybe the vast majority of us choose to faithfully believe in this quote because it's much easier to accept than the fact that maybe the choices we didn't make would've been the better ones. Maybe the vast majority of us choose to faithfully believe in this quote because life would be extremely pitiful if we lived it in the past, constantly wondering, "what if".

Another quote I, myself, used to regurgitate over and over again is that "it's better to regret what you've done rather than what you haven't done." But what if what you haven't done was choosing that other road to venture on? Maybe one of the biggest reasons that we do wallow in our own past (and the choices we could've/should've made) is because we're fearful of the future. We're fearful of the future that is at the end of the path - the path that we chose.

But if we constantly live with regrets of yesterday and worries for tomorrow, then we're losing something extremely important - today. A quote I recently stumbled upon is one by philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard who said, "I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations - one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it - you will regret both."

I thought about this quote for awhile before I realized how true it actually is. No matter what decisions you make... no matter what path you choose to walk down... you're always going to wonder what you're life would be like if you had chosen the alternate path.

I recognize that "if only" are two of the saddest words in the world, but it doesn't stop me from wishing I had a DeLorean with a flux capacitor so I could go back in time. Though... we've seen the tangled web Marty McFly ended up in when he did that. However, he did make subtle changes in his life for the better and he did end up with a sweet 4x4 in the end.

smackers

When we're stressed, upset or frustrated... we tend to reflect back onto more comfortables times when our lives didn't seem so heavy. We seldom deliberately get lost in memories that were painful... that's why it's so easy for people in abusive relationships to continue going back to that abusive partner. When reflecting back on relationships, we choose to be blind to the times when we were upset... because reliving those feelings is uncomfortable. Instead, we remember only the happy times and times that comfort us.

Some people go on forever living in their past - reliving those happy memories because what we know is a lot more comforting than the unknown. We have no idea what our future holds for us and that can be extremely overwhelming. So, even though our past may not have been perfect - it is a lot easier to think about than thinking about the unpredictability of the years to come.

We tend to tie comforting memories to certain objects. When we're feeling upset, it's natural to put on a song that's tied to something or someone special. There's this body wash I used to own... Bonne Bell Smackers Orange Starburst. I've only ever owned one bottle because I've only ever seen it in stores the one time I decided to pick it up. I just spent twenty dollars to order one online... just so I can escape into the delicious scent... and escape into the days when I was the most happy and stress free. Ok, maybe I wasn't completely stress-free (because we repress bad feelings of the past), but this scent definitely relieved a lot of stress.

There's also perfume by Bonne Bell I'm dying to hunt down. It's called "Lucky" and it was from the Emotions scents. It was my absolute favourite scent in the world but they discontinued it when I was in grade six, I think. There is something so innocent about these scents which is why they appeal to me. They remind me of the complete joy and satisfaction I'd get every Saturday going into Walmart and peeking at all the flavours of Bonne Bell Smackers lil balm. I'd scan each and every package... taking in all of the bright colours and delicious sounding titles. Strawberry Cheesecake, Nilla Mint Frost, Berry Jelly Donut, Candy Confetti. I'd buy one just for the sake of buying it. I think the process was way more exciting to me than actually using the lil balm. I had a special box that I'd collect all of my Smackers lil balms in. I'd buy a new one, take it out of the package, and place it with the rest that made up a rainbow of different colours and satisfying smells. Berry Heavenly was my absolute favourite.

I forever long to escape into a time when everything was cured with just the delicious smell Bonne Bell lip balm or body wash.

persistence pays

I'm back in Sackville now with high hopes that this semester is going to be a breeze. I only have one class on Monday and Wednesday from 8:30-11:30am... and that's it.

Why, you ask?

Well, two of my courses are studio courses which in previous years took up 12 hours in my school week. However, because these courses are independent ones this year, I work independently in my own time. I'm taking my elective course through correspondence, which I also do in my own time. Other than that, according to my audit form that I filled out, I have everything I need to graduate! It feels fantastic! This semester is going to be such a load off and a great way to end my years at Mount Allison.

Makesure you don't leave your audit form to your last year. An audit form is a form specific to your degree and it tells you what courses you need to graduate. So, you check off what ones you have and need. If I hadn't have done it I would've had a full semester... but I'm not doing to dish out money for extra courses when they're not necessary for my BFA. You can print off your audit form on the MTA website.

I've been refreshing my transcript almost every half hour. I'm waiting for one more mark and the anticipation of its final stamped arrival on the website is driving insanity through my veins. As soon as that mark is in, my transcripts will be sent to Cape Breton University and Nova Scotia College of Art and Design. So, ultimately, my acceptance into either of those schools is waiting on this one mark.

I have only three months before I wave goodbye to the place that has shaped me in more ways than I ever could have initially anticipated. I only have three months before I way goodbye to Sackville forever. I'm not looking forward to packing up the last four years... that's for sure. After your first year of university, you just take what you need home for the summer and you end up leaving whatever you won't need (winter clothing, bedding, towels, etc.). So, I've basically been saving up a reckless amount of junk throughout my moves through residences and apartments. My parents have come to terms with the fact we'll have to rent a U-Haul in order to comfortably take everything back to Cape Breton (or Halifax... depending on that acceptance letter I'm anxiously waiting for).

My boyfriend, Liam, told me that if I haven't heard anything by March that I should e-mail whomever I need to in order to irk a response. "The squeaky wheel gets greased"after all. That's a good quote to keep in the back of your mind. It's so true. There are so many times my mother can ignore my continuous yells of her name until she gets sick of my persistence and finally responds, "WHAT!"

So, keep that in mind. If you really want something... (like the attention of your mother) continuously try to get it... and eventually you will.

Persistence does pay off in the end.

Browsing Art

For an artist, the best inspiration and motivation comes from looking at other artists' work. This is one of the big reasons why creative people love to travel and soak in the creativity that other countries have to offer. After my trip to New York and seeing the vast amount of artwork I did, I was exploding with inspiration and the first thing I wanted to do was hurry home and let it all out in my sketchbook.

There are other ways to be exposed to other artists' work without having to spend hundreds of dollars to travel to another country. There are so many websites designed specifically for artists to exhibit their work and this way you can browse other peoples' artwork as well.

Sometimes I'll spend hours at night browsing these websites. Looking at other artwork will help you cook up ideas for your own. I definitely think every artist should be constantly exposed to other artists. It is why my four years at MTA were as successful as they were. Working in a studio environment with other artists really helped trigger inspiration for my own ideas. Professors constantly encouraged us to get up and look at everyone else's work.

One website that many MTA Fine Arts students participate in is www.feelsgood.ca/ which states it's "for anyone who loves the emerging artwork and underground music scene."

Another website is www.stumbleupon.com/ which I've blogged about before. All you have to do is check off "art" in the category section and you'll be browsing through fantastic artworks/

Here are a few websites that I've bookmarked that you should check out (click on the name to redirect to the website and click on the picture to enlarge):

Claire Morgan Installations

Sam Jinks

Pencil Crayon Sculptures

Won Park Origami

L Filipe dos Santos

Hannah Stouffer

Moolf Street Illusions

I've discovered just these few of many websites on Stumbleupon.  If you sign up (for free) you can save which websites are your favorite.  It's such a great website to browse art.