Repress No More

In many ways, I try to convince myself I live a life very much outside one would consider a comfort zone.  However, I've recently (as in the last ten minutes) realized that I deliberately bury myself into oblivion.  Every time I hear about unfortunate things happening I purposely block it out, and in some ways, am selfish because I choose to be completely soaked up into my own "problems".  When in actuality, I have nothing but a fantastic life and shouldn't complain or stress out about anything.  I know I'm not the only person like this.  We all complain and bitch about school or work stress, relationship problems, lack of money, not being able to purchase something we desperately hunger for in the mall... when there are people who "suffer" from far worse complications and situations.  These people don't want pity or sympathy from anyone - including themselves.  

Someone diagnosed with a life threatening disease isn't going to wallow in self pity.  They see one thing - survival, and they'll keep their spirits high and do what they have to do in order to truck through the treacherous situation.

So why is it, that when people in terrible situations don't bitch and complain - but when you (me, or anyone) bump your leg, you'll complain and bitch to your heart's content and let everyone know how pissed off you are that your bruise is going to clash with the color of the dress you were supposed to wear Saturday night.  

I think a lot of us repress these terrible situations that people are going through because it's painful to acknowledge it.  We can't really be selfish can we?  Why do we choose to purposely repress the world around us?  Why do we close our eyes or turn our heads when we walk by a homeless person begging for change on the corner of the street?  We see them.  We know they're there.  So why?  Why do we keep on walking with our heads held high?

I think I'm finished complaining about bruises.  I think I'm finally ready to step outside of the circle I painted around myself.  I'm ready to open my eyes and look at the world around me.  I'm finished with repressing.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

Did you ever hold a feeling deep in your subconscious that erupted ever so often?  Ever since I was small, I held a strong suspicion that I was meant to do something significant with my life.  I was always the kind of person that held onto belief in coincidences, superstition and was constantly on the lookout for "signs" or "symbols" that were to point me in the direction of my great fate.

I can't exactly put my finger on or point out what I'm meant to do, but a big part of me believes I'm going to excel in something - and excel greatly.  I've had this feeling since I was a child, and forever since then have been on the lookout for "signs" or "symbols" to give me hints as to what this may be.  I'm not even exactly sure what I want to do with my life.  My mind continuously races from idea to idea - from career to career.  I know that I'm going to Cape Breton University and taking my bED when I graduate from Mount A.  

Most people go to university or college after high school because they see it as the next stone to step on - and what's expected - and what's to be done, so they do it.  Most people pick and choose from the same careers they narrowed down on a piece of paper in high school. What ever happened to their picks they'd draw in pictures with crayon on a piece of paper in elementary school, when they dreamed bigger than the box they inevitably close themselves inside of growing up?  

They often neglect these dreams because fear of ridicule from friends and family - and fear of failure to live up to these expectations.

My strong suspicion tells me to neglect the safe choice and to wander out on the limb of adventure, because my insides tell me I'll exceed my own, and everyone else's, expectations.  So what do I want to do with my life?  A fashion designer?  Interior design?  Shoes?  Clothes?  Purses? Accessories?  A painter?  A photographer?  Hollywood wardrobe stylist?  Vacation tour director?  Graphic designer? A novelist?  An author?

I think I hold too much creativity and ambition to be locked inside of a classroom teaching kids about proportion and perspective.  Why should I abandon what I'm most passionate about, only to adopt to what is considered the safe choice?  Why should I settle with just a regular or normal "job" when my insides scream that I'm supposed to amount to a lot more than that.

So, I'll continue to search for "signs" and "symbols" that tell me what dream I should attempt to live out.

I'll be wearing flowers in my hair.

I kind of strive for this kind of thing called adventure.  I realized this time last year that life is precious and that I want to love every minute of mine.  I think my mother envies my spontaneity and hunger for life, which is why she was eagerly pleased when I booked my flight to Paris last year.  

So, a few weeks ago, she nodded her head in approval as I browsed Air Canada for a flight to San Francisco and settled on a round trip for $500.  My friends give my choice a thumbs up, asking many questions like who I'm going with.  Myself, I reply.  They're surprised, but at the same time, not because this is what I do.  I want to see the world and I refuse to wait around on peoples' "maybe's" and "we'll see's" to join me.  I have a friend, Dena, who lives there who is originally from Nebraska.  We met online years ago, when I was fifteen, when I stumbled across www.bored.com, finding an online Pictionary game.  We grew to be great friends, talking every day, phoning, e-mailing, and snail mailing.  We've been saying for years that I'd have to go visit her, or she'd have to come to Canada, so finally it's happening.

And where best to travel then San Francisco?  It's drenched in art and a rich culture.  I'm going to love it.  So far, on the agenda:

Lombard St.  - the crookedest street in the world.

Nob Hill:  Home to many upper class families - where Full House was filmed (as well as many other movies and shows)

Alcatraz Island - self explanatory.

Haight-Ashbury - a famous corner in San Francisco.  You should look up its history;  It's quite interesting.

Castro District - considered the world's "best known gay neighborhood", rich with LGBT activism and events.

There are few of the many sights I'm sure I'll be seeing when I'm there.  I'll be sure to take many many many pictures, so no worries!  I fly out June 1st and stay a week; so excitement is starting to be overwhelming as I realize this is less than a month away!

I can't stop listening to Scott Mackenzie's "San Francisco" and Wave's "California".  

I'm no portrait artist!

We had a Fine Arts show and sale last weekend and I managed to sell all except one piece.  I was ridiculously ecstatic that my art was such a hit.  In some little way, it gave me motivation and the belief that I can pull this artist thing off.  I never want to be the type of artist that paints what people like.  I want people to like what I paint.  Once upon a time, all I created was what people wanted me to create.  People would call me up or approach me, asking me to paint them a painting of a lighthouse, a portrait of their child, etc.  This is what I became accustomed to and I absolutely hated it.  So, even when I wasn't making art for other people specifically, I was making art that I thought people would like and like to buy.

This year, I realized that this isn't what I want to do.  I'm finished with painting portraits and pretty landscape paintings.  I want to paint what I want to paint... and I have been all year.  It's refreshing having people like it, and even buy it.  That is what I want.

I always thought I loved creating portraits... until I set myself up in the local mall.  I was in there for two weekends and made a ridiculous amount of money, but I also developed tendonitis in my right wrist.  I was drawing portraits for 8 hours straight with no break at all.  After the mall, people continuously called me and asked me to do portraits for them.  It would take me forever just to do one portrait.  In actuality, it only takes me maybe three hours to complete a good portrait (I was just doing $15 dollar portraits in 15 minutes when I was in the mall) but to actually gather the motivation to sit down and do it... was painful.

What was driving me to sit down and whip up a portrait of a smiling face I hold no attachment to?  Nothing.  - which is exactly why it would take me weeks to complete one.  The only thing driving me to complete it was the money but even that, to me, wasn't worth it.

So, in a way, I'm thankful for the two weekends I worked in the mall as a portrait artist because it was then that I realized that that's exactly what I didn't want to do.

I want to do what I want to do - and if people like it, that's great.  If not, I don't care.. at least I won't be cringing, fighting with myself to do something that I don't want to do.

So, who am I?

I've been so caught up in my alternate life and alternate blog that it feels like I've been completely abandoning this one.  I've finally leaked the web address out;  I figured the more viewers it attracts, the more viewers who don't know who I actually am will access it.  It turns out that my friends, people who know exactly who I am and what goes on in my life, are completely caught up in this different world that I pretend to live in.  My friend Lana confessed to me that she refreshes the webpage everyday, anxiously waiting for updates.  It's only been up, really, for a full week but it's gaining recognition.  My friends who aren't aware of its significance or purpose curiously navigate through it, and then approach me asking about it.  They tell me, too, that they're intrigued with its storyline.

So, I suppose I'll tell you what it is - so you can bookmark the website. I decided to include my actual friends in the storyline.  They make videos and blogs, as well, and have created their own alternate identities which tie into mine.  My pseudo-name is Bailey Mayfield.  Everything is linked on my website at: www.bailsmayfield.tk . There are four other key characters in my story which you will learn about.  I try to update it everyday, either with a blog or video.  My characters will blog or vlog which will drive me (Bailey) to respond in some way.

I was on the phone with my mother recently when I was telling her about the art project.  She was intrigued.  She laughed when I told her my pseudoname, as it was my alternate name I gave myself when I was twelve.    She scribbled down the webpage URL and told me she'd pass it on.  I warned her that there was much profanity and explicit material, so I'm warning you now.  I laughed and reminded her that I'm just acting.

Liam, my boyfriend, plays my ex-boyfriend in my narrative.  He blogs independently.  I don't tell any of my friends (characters) what to say or write.  They operate completely on their own.  We're all getting caught up in our own alternate egos.  It's funny because it has actually caused some tension between Liam and I, as we express anything but love for eachother through our blogs.  We were talking on the phone recently and he said, "I'm seeing a different side of you.  I don't like it."  I laughed and responded, "But it's not me... I'm only acting."  I flew off the rocker when I (or shall I say Bailey) read one of his recent blogs.  It's crazy how us, ourselves, are getting caught up in this alternate world... so I can only imagine how visitors are reacting (and visitors who think it's all factual and real!)

That's the website's purpose.  To interact with visitors and viewers as Bailey Mayfield, my alternate personality.  Like I mentioned previously, people get totally caught up in drama and conflict - especially other peoples' drama and conflict.  This is why we love reality TV so much.  But is it really reality?  How much of it is truly real? I've created my very own internet soap, except I'm going to push the boundaries - not at first, but eventually.  I'm going to explore the taboo.  So, bookmark the website and keep checking back.  Feel free to add Bailey as a friend and post comments.  Interact with her, and she'll interact with you.  Pass it on to your friends!  

Thanks

Fake 'N Bake

The one place I'll never step foot in is a tanning bed salon. I'm almost certain I'm the only one left in this world who hasn't conformed to the "necessity" to get an insta-tan.

Tanning bed salons usually are busiest right before high school proms, semi formals. and before spring break. People feel a need to turn their skin pigment a golden brown to achieve a heightened sense of beauty. I'm not denying the fact that tans are aesthetically pleasing; I am suggesting going about other ways than tanning beds (if you must satisfy your urge to tan!).

It has been PROVEN that tanning beds increase the risk of cancer, so why so eager to call up and make an appointment? I guess it's the same with cigarettes. The warning label is right on the package, yet people still buy them to satisfy the addiction. That's exactly what tanning is in today's society - an addiction.

The UVA rays that are emitted from the Ultraviolet A light sources in tanning salons are two to three times more powerful than the UVA rays which occur naturally from the sun.

We pretend to be oblivious to the consequences; We adapt to some sort of comfortable understanding that the consequences will never affect us. This deliberate oblivion drives us to pick up the phone and make an appointment at the nearest cancer tanning salon.

People our age who use the beds regularly have a melanoma risk eight-fold higher than people who never use tanning beds.

There are lotions that do the same trick as the sun and are cancer-free. Look into them.

















Here's one for example. Oil of Olay's Touch of Sun. My mother, sister and I have used this product for years and have never run into any difficult. The scent is not too strong and we've never had to deal with streaks. There are also self tanning towelettes you can purchase at drugstores. I've used these as well and have not had any problem with streaking. If "streaking" is your excuse for resorting to tanning beds, you're not using the product correctly!

Besides, I'd rather have streaky or pale skin than have to deal with the horrific consequences of tanning beds.

A Pseudoname.

For my Open Media class, we have to create what's called a "time based" art project.  This is art that's created over a period of time.  The mediums and options are endless so I'm going to explain to you my proposal and what I'm doing.

Two things I've been doing since I was young are:

1.  writing in my diary

2. creating websites

I've had many diaries and journals I've been keeping since I was seven years old.  Writing is always something I've been passionate about;  I find it very therapeutic.  It's a way of remembering my past and keeping memories alive/vivid.  It's such a treat being able to flip through the years and read about how I felt during different situations.  

When I was younger, I remember a few times that I would make up stories and then write about them in my diary.  I'd make up stories about my life to inevitably intertwine them into my memories.  I guess I thought that if I wrote them down, it would be believed to have happened and to be true.  Nothing big.  It was always small things - small things that I wanted - like having a boy ask me to dance.  It was a rare occurrence when I was 12 years old, but I remember specifically writing in my diary that many boys were fighting over the opportunity to dance with me.  True?  Not at all, but writing it made me feel good about myself; It gave me the opportunity to slip into another life/identity.

It's a known face that people assume the internet is legit and a reliable source; Really, people are oblivious to the fact that you can't always believe what you read.  This is a fact I'm going to be playing off with for my art project.

So, for my project, I've created a "fake" website reflecting a whole new identity.  It's beefed up with blogs and videos.  I want to convince my visitors into believing that my identity actually exists.  I'm striving to have people caught up into the drama and life I'm creating for myself.  I want them to feel my pain and to feel my happiness.  My visitors will follow along and dig through the life of my fake persona.  

I'll wait a bit before linking you the website, or perhaps if you do some digging you can stumble across it on your own!